I’ll be honest with you, I hate movies. Movies stink. I’ve seen MAYBE 10 movies in theaters in the past ten years. They’re just WAY too long for me, and I don’t like freezing my ass off in some shitty seat at the theaters.
But for some reason, people effin love movie quotes. People rattle off movie quotes all the time and I usually have no idea what they’re saying or what they’re referring to. It’s honestly a gift. That’s why I had to google “top 100 movie quotes of all time” to help me with this column. I’ve seen MAYBE three movies on this list. If you’ve seen more than 20 movies on this list, you need to get a life.
It’s Week 9 of the NFL season. We’re already halfway through the season. I just had a mini panic attack thinking about it. These are my power rankings following Week 8, along with a movie quote for each team:
32. Oakland Raiders: “After all, tomorrow is another day.” – Gone with the Wind
Three picks in the first round of next year’s draft. It’s so obvious what the Raiders are trying to do- they’re tanking now and hoping they can LOAD up for their first season in Vegas. Expectations are HIGH after what the Golden Knights did in Vegas their first year. Where can I get “Gruden won’t make it to Vegas” odds? I consider myself a “next coach to get fired” EXPERT after my Hue pick. I have odds at +200 right now.
31. NY Giants: “You can’t handle the truth!” – A Few Good Men
You can’t handle the truth, you’re an absolute dumpster fire. The Giants are ass; no other way to put it. I’m sorry. What if I told you 6/8 games have been decided by seven points or less though? Maybe the Giants aren’t that bad? HAHAHAHA yea right.
30. San Francisco 49ers: “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!” – Sons of the Desert
Poor Kyle Shanahan. Remember everyone’s “dark horse pick” at the start of the season? The ridiculous “Are the 49ers the Best Team in the NFC West” headline from the Mercury News? I know, Jimmy GQ got hurt, but that was silly. Stay woke though- another high draft pick and next year people can double down on their “dark horse” 49ers pick.
29. Arizona Cardinals: “Here’s looking at you, kid.” – Casablanca
The Rosen One. The kid’s looked alright so far. I am going to ride with Josh Rosen til I die. I will die on Julius Randle Hill and Josh Rosen Hill. The Cardinals are going to use this year to see what they have in Josh Rosen. They’re 2-6 and both their wins came against the 49ers. If both teams are tied for the worst record at the end of the season, the Cardinals should get the first pick. Wait, I have a brilliant idea- what if they played for the first pick?! Winner gets the first pick. It can be the Thursday night game before the playoffs start. This might be my best idea ever.
28. Buffalo Bills: “What a dump.” – Beyond the Forest
Seriously, what a dump.
27. NY Jets: “Sawyer, you’re going out a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star!” – 42nd Street
It’s all about Darnold, but the Jets are a SNEAKY 3-5 right now. Can they finish the year .500? It’s possible.
Week 9: at Miami (DON’T GO OUT, YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME)
Week 10: home vs Buffalo
Week 12: home vs New England
Week 13: at Tennessee
Week 14: at Buffalo
Week 15: home vs Houston
Week 16: home vs Packers
Week 17: at New England
I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but they have a chance.
26. Cleveland Browns: “Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?” – Little Caesar
The end of Hue….. it finally happened. I am legit upset. Thanks for the memories, Hue. We’ll miss you. It’s the end of Hue Jackson in the NFL but the start of ESPN Huey. Sometimes we need to go backward before we can go forward.
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: “Listen to me, mister. You’re my knight in shining armor. Don’t you forget it. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go!” – On Golden Pond
FITZMAGIC IS BACK!!!!!! Winston threw four interceptions vs the Bengals last weekend, and the Bucs should be done with him. Fitzmagic went 2-1 during Winston’s suspension and he’s back in action this Sunday. HE IS TAMPA’S knight in shining armor. NOW GET BACK ON THE HORSE!
24. Denver Broncos: “Fasten your seatbelt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” – All About Eve
The Broncos won the Super Bowl three years ago. Doesn’t that Super Bowl feel like it was 10 years ago? $36 million for two years on Case Keenum was RIDICULOUS. They should have never legalized marijuana in Denver. When does Elway get fired?
23. Miami Dolphins: “There’s no place like home.” – The Wizard of OZ
3-1 at home and 1-3 on the road. The Miami nightlife stays undefeated, man.
22. Jacksonville Jaguars: “You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.” – On the Waterfront
Ohhhhhhhhhhh boy. The poor Jags. What the hell happened?? They’re 3-5, last in the division, and Blake Bortles is still their QB. In the past four games, their “defense” has given up a total of 114 points for an average of 32 points per game! The Jags were ONE BLOWN CALL away from the Super Bowl last year. This isn’t talked about enough. The refs cheated the Jags. Why wasn’t Myles Jack allowed to return this ball back??
Can the defense get their mojo back? Can Blake be better than Blake? Will Leonard Fournette play football this year?
21. Tennessee Titans: “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?” – She Done Him Wrong
Grow a pair of balls and sit at the big boy table. Mariota has been OK his whole career; the Titans have been OK the past ten years. 3-4 this year after starting the year 3-1. C’mon, it’s time for the Titans to step up.
20. Dallas Cowboys: “I’m going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” – The Godfather
A first-round pick for Amari Cooper. I can’t fuckin get over it. Imagine Jerry Jones just getting pissed the fuck off because the Raiders won’t deal him Amari Cooper. He then finally screams, “I’M GOING TO MAKE HIM AN OFFER HE CANT REFUSE! FIRST ROUND-PICK FOR AMARI COOPER!!!!!” I’m 100% positive that’s exactly how it happened.
19. Atlanta Falcons: “I’ll be back.” – The Terminator
They’ll be back. People assumed the Falcons were dead after their 1-4 start, but they’ve won 2 straight and they’re still alive. Dead, but they’re breathing. Next three games: at Washington, at Cleveland, and home vs Dallas. The Falcons can be 6-4 heading into their showdown with the Saints on Thanksgiving night.
18. Detroit Lions: “My mama always said, life is like a box of chocolates.” – Forrest Gump
You never know what’s going to happen next with the Lions. I mentioned this in last week’s picks, but look at their wins compared to their losses. Makes no sense at all. But guess what? They’re 5-2 ATS- second best in the league! How is that possible?
17. Seattle Seahawks: “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” – Animal Crackers
The Seahawks are 4-3 this year. And with that roster, I have no idea how. After starting the year 0-2, they are 4-1 in their last five. But look at Seattle’s ROS. They still have games vs the Rams, Packers, Panthers, Vikings, and Chiefs. YIKES.
16. Chicago Bears: “I’m the King of the world!” – Titanic
The Bears are in FIRST place of the NFC North!!!! They’re the King of the NFC NORTH!
15. Indianapolis Colts: “Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac…It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!” – Caddyshack
Andrew Luck is back and it’s a miracle!!! The AFC South is an absolute shitstorm and any of the four teams in that division can win the division. Why not the team with the best QB?
14. Washington Redskins: “Yo Adrian!” – Rocky
YO ADRIAN PETERSON WTF. WELCOME BACK!!! 33 years old and coming off a season-high 149 rushing yards on 26 carries, including a 64 yard TD. He’s fifth in the NFL with 587 rushing yards and ranks third in the league with 279 rushing yards after first contact.
13. Houston Texans: “Oh, Jerry, don’t let’s ask for the moon. We have the stars.” – Now, Voyager
Deshaun Watson. STAR.
Deandre Hopkins. DOUBLE STAR.
JJ Watt. STAR.
Jadeveon Clowney. Half a star??
Maybe “Houston, we have a problem” would’ve been a better pick here, but that’s just too fuckin corny.
12. Green Bay Packers: “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.” – The Pride of the Yankees
That’s how every man should feel in the Packers organization. Mike Mccarthy is the luckiest man on earth. Rodgers has saved his ass so many times I can’t even keep track of it. What are the odds McCarthy gets fired at the end of the season? Can I place a bet on that? I consider myself a “which coach will get fired” savant now.
11. Cincinnati Bengals: “Plastics.” – The Graduate
Plastics. Fake good team. It happens every year with the Bengals. They make the postseason by one game or miss the postseason by one game. Never a serious threat. Plastics. They still have games AT Baltimore, AT Cleveland, and AT Pittsburgh. Those AFC North divison games are tough, especially away from home.
10. Philadelphia Eagles: “Snap out of it!” – Moonstruck
Super Bowl hangover, it happens. Can the Eagles snap out of it and find their groove by December, or will they ride this hangover into the off-season? Carson Wentz looks good again, by the way.
9. Baltimore Ravens: “It’s alive! It’s alive!” – Frankenstein
The Ravens defense is alive and it’s back. Joe Flacco looks decent- highest rating since 2014! Are the Ravens back???
8. Pittsburgh Steelers: “Show me the money!” – Jerry Maguire
SHOW Le’veon the money!!!! Actually, don’t. Screw Le’veon. SHOW JAMES CONNOR THE FUCKIN MONEY!!!!!
7. L.A. Chargers: “Is it safe?” – Marathon Man
Is it safe to label the Chargers a good team? Are we 100% they’re a good team? Is it really safe? The Chargers are 5-2 and their two losses came to the Rams and Chiefs (both losses were by double digits). Their 5 wins came against the Bills, 49ers, Raiders, Browns, and Titans who have a combined record of 8-28-1. I don’t think it’s safe to label the Chargers as a legit team, YET.
6. Minnesota Vikings: “Wait a min wait a min you ain’t heard nothing yet.” – The Jazz Singer
Is this too high for a team that’s 4-3-1? Yes, but I’m telling you the Vikings are going to be there at the end of the season. They’ve missed their best defensive player for pretty much the entire game and they’ve been crushed by injuries. Just look at last week’s game vs the Saints:
RB: Latavius Murray for Dalvin Cook
LG: Danny Isidora for Tom Compton
LT: Rashod Hill for Riley Reiff
RT: Brian O’Neill for Rashod Hill
LB: Eric Wilson for Anthony Barr
CB: Holton Hill for Xavier Rhodes
S: George Iloka for Andrew Sendejo
Are you kidding me? Two of their three losses came to the two best teams in the NFL- Rams and Saints. Let’s not even talk about the Bills game cause who the fuck knows what happened there. When and IF this Vikings team gets healthy, look out.
5. Carolina Panthers: “Say hello to my little friend.” – Scarface
Cam went out and just dominated the best defense in the league. 21/29 for 219 yards and 2 touchdowns and 52 rushing yards for 1 TD. Cam Newton is playing like an MVP again but better. He has more touchdowns, fewer interceptions, and a higher completion percentage through seven games than he did in his MVP season in 2015. He’s also the best dressed player in the NFL. Drip drip drip.
And say hello to Cam’s little friend, Christian McCaffrey is averaging nearly 20 touches per game for the Panthers…. and DJ Moore might turn into something. Keep sleeping on the Panthers.
4. New England Patriots: “Round up the usual suspects.” – Casablanca
It’s honestly bullshit. Patrtiots are always in the cut because of Brady, Belichick, and being in the worst division in sports. It’s the perfect recipe. The Patriots are luckier than New Orleans in the fact that Drew Brees didn’t sign with the Dolphins. FACTS.
3. Kansas City Chiefs: “My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you.” – Yankee Doodle Dandy
7-1 ATS. The Chiefs are 7-1 against the spread. Absolutely bonkers. That’s why my mother thanks them, my father thanks them, my sister thanks them, I thank them, and my bank account thanks them. I’ve been riding the Chiefs all year and I’m going to ride them til I get burned. If it ain’t broke, dont fix it. THANK YOU KANSAS CITY.
Fantasy Football Rankings:
QB: Pat Mahomes: QB 1
RB: Kareem Hunt: RB 6
WR: Tyreke Hill: WR 2
TE: Travis Kelce: TE 2
EVERYONE, say thank you to the Chiefs.
2. New Orleans Saints: “Well, nobody’s perfect.” – Some Like it Hot
0-2 0-1 start, the Saints look like the team we all expected them to be. They showed up for what was supposed to be a big time game on Sunday night at Minnesota (it really wasn’t). Saints next four games: home vs Rams, at Cincinnati, home vs the Eagles, and home vs the Falcons. If they can go 3-1 there, look out.
1. L.A. Rams: “Made it ma, top of the world!” – White Heat
The Rams are the best team in football. They made it, they made it to the top of the world. Now it’s all about staying at the top of the world. Can the Rams go 16-0? Why the fuck not? The only thing that can stop the Rams right now is some stupid injury *knock on wood* and Marcus Peters. Kidding, I love you Marcus Peters. You can get burned all year as long as you make a play in the playoffs. I BE-LIE-VE IN YOU!
My Picks for Week 9:
Chiefs (-8.5) at Browns
The Browns don’t even have a real coach. Oh wait….
Chiefs in a BLOW OUT. Gregg Williams is such an idiot.
Jets at Dolphins (-3)
Miami nightlife doesn’t lose. Riding with the Dolphins and Brock Osweiler. What a mistake.
Lions at Vikings (-6.5)
DEEEEEETROOOOOOIT BASKETBALL. I just felt like typing and saying that. Taking the Lions and the points. I don’t trust the Vikings- YET.
Falcons at Redskins (-2.5)
Redskins are a QUIET 5-2 this season. Taking the R words -2.5 at home vs the Falcons.
Buccaneers at Panthers (-5.5)
FITZMAGIC is back. I can’t bet against him, can I? This feels like a trap, funky NFC South game. Panthers are coming off a big win vs Baltimore, it’s a division game, and they have a Thursday night game vs the Steelers next week. I’m taking the points and Fitz.
Steelers at Ravens (-3)
Ravens won the first meeting between the two teams, so I’m taking the Steelers here.
Texans at Broncos (Pick ’em)
Demayrius Thomas revenge game! How funny is it that he got traded to the Texans yesterday and they play this weekend? Taking the Texans and the DT juju.
Chargers at Seahawks (-2.5)
Oh GOD, is it SAFE?!?!? Is it safe to take the Chargers here?! My brain says yes but my heart is telling me no. This has such a classic, “Chargers are good this year but they’ll lose this game” feel to it. BUT I’M RIDING WITH THE CHARGERS AND THE POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rams at Saints (-2.5)
Rams. Rams all day. If the Rams win this game, I am booking my flight to the Super Bowl.
Packers at Patriots (-6.5)
Brady vs Rodgers. We heard it all week. Give me the points with Aaron Rodgers. Going to throw all over that Patriots defense. Fuck the Patriots.
Last Week: 7-6